Please Stop Telling Your Chronically Ill Friends to "Get Better Soon."
We won't. That's why it's called "CHRONIC."
Let me just cut right to the chase here. This article may make some people mad. It may put them on the defense immediately. It may ruffle your feathers a bit, and make you uncomfortable.
GOOD.
That means you’re learning something.
Why Wishing Us Well Is Actually A Problem
You’re probably sitting, staring at the screen, dumbfounded by how being kind could ever be a problem. Trust me, I get it. It sounds ludicrous, but hear me out here for just a second.
Every time you tell a chronically ill person you hope they “get better soon,” we are reminded yet again of our disability and its permanence. Chronic illnesses don’t “get better,” they typically just gradually get worse over the course of our lives.
Here’s the thing. You only see us in specific settings, while we are masking, trying to hold everything together so no one else gets uncomfortable around us. We are constantly accommodating everyone else when they should be accommodating us.
What you don’t see is the hundreds of doctors’ visits, constant blood tests, imaging, check-ups, the never-ending new diagnoses - the list is long. You don’t see the million different prescriptions, refilled like clockwork, so we don’t crash out. You don’t see the struggle to get adequate pain relief in a country that views suffering as a badge of honor. Whoever suffers most ‘wins.’ We are not okay. Trust me.
We know the ins and outs of our illnesses, the things we can and cannot do in life, the dreams we were forced to wake from, and haunting echoes of the life we expected but were on the wrong timeline. I often think of what I would be doing in a parallel universe. Am I out there somewhere, dancing professionally, starring in music videos, going on world tours? Am I a veterinarian, an advocate, a mentor?
In this universe, I’m just tired. Is there a universe I can get a free trial of, or something? One in which my life is essentially the same, but I actually have my career back, no car accident, no chronic illnesses. I would be unstoppable in the animal field if I had a body that was supportive instead of constantly tearing itself down - literally attacking itself for no good reason at all.
Photo by engin akyurt / Unsplash
What You Should Say, Instead
There are so many ways in which you can choose to respond. Instead of offering a ‘feel better soon,’ leave that phrase at home. Bring along your empathy and your helping hands, let us proceed at our own pace, and offer assistance if you see us struggle - we won’t tell you we need help, so just step in. I promise, help is always appreciated. We just aren’t used to getting any, so we’ve stopped asking for it.
See, people talk all the time about bringing awareness to chronic illness, breaking the stigma, & showing the world the faces behind the diagnoses, but they rarely ever walk that walk, unless they’re walking something back. Follow-through is rare, because it turns out no one actually wants to hear ‘your story’ if it’s a tragedy. Those are no fun. They want laugh-out-loud comedy, a whirlwind romance, a happy ending. They feel every story has one, that they deserve to hear them, entitled to them for some reason.
Maybe it’s the fault of fiction, or maybe it’s simply the human urge to look away when something makes us uncomfortable rather than confronting hard questions and realities head on. People don’t want to hear them. I think some of it is fear - if they acknowledge never-ending pain and eternal illness exist, then they’d have to admit it could happen to them, too. Fear is a very compelling force for people, especially of the unknown.
Regardless of how uncomfortable my story might make someone feel, I cannot bear responsibility for that burden. Sitting in discomfort signals learning important - hard, but important - lessons that change the fiber of our minds, showing us a better way to approach conflicts later.
So, the next time you’re around your chronically ill friends, family members, co-workers, simply tell them you’re there for them if they need you. Tell them you have their back through everything, no matter how difficult it may be to bear witness to the reality they live in.
So, How Can You Accommodate Us?
Start with asking how we are feeling using words like, “Is today a good day or a bad day?” or a fun little “Hey, where are you on the scale from Shit to Shittiest today?” Joking around is welcomed by some, myself included. The way to my heart is with a dark joke. Results may vary for that, though, so tread lightly.
Another thing you can do is simply ask how we are feeling at the moment and if there is anything you could do that may help. If we are in a work setting, and it’s possible to turn lights off, that’s something that could be helpful. Maybe a dark, quiet room to sit in when we just need a breather every once in a while throughout the day.
For those of us who aren’t holding down a full time job right now, checking in on us is always appreciated. It always makes my whole week for someone to text me just to ask how I’m doing. I will always return the sentiment, of course, but it’s nice to have someone go out of their way to check up on me. My own family, outside of my husband and daughter, doesn’t do that.
One more thing you can do? Stand up for us if you see or hear something. We are quite accustomed to sussing people out, finding those who seek to discredit our ability at every corner because we are ill, but we can always use someone behind the scenes looking out for us.
Key Takeaways:
Chronic illness means FOREVER.
No more “Get better soon.”
More “Is there anything I can do?” (There typically isn’t, but you asking is greatly appreciated.)
More asking us if we want to hang out at home. We do. We absolutely could use some company.
More asking us to Netflix and chill, and I mean actually watch Netflix and chill. Give us a good recommendation and then binge it with us!
Just be supportive and considerate of our disabilities. Have our backs, and we’ll have yours. We’re probably some of the most loyal people you’ll ever meet.
Thank you so much for reading! If you made it this far, leave me a comment down below! Tell me your experiences with people constantly telling you to ‘get better’ despite the numerous times you’ve explained that’s not how it works.
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